Today might be day 1 of my emotional recovery. Everything has gone so much better than I could have ever expected. My pain is pretty much not even there. I had no nausea from the anesthesia or from the medications I was prescribed. My sentinel nodes were clear. Really it has been the best possible outcome…
So tell me why all I can do is cry and push away the ones trying to help me? I think everything is finally hitting emotionally. Physically I couldn’t be better after a major surgery like this, but all these emotions just hit me like a freight train today. I am trying to just let them wash over me and out of me in a healthy way but it definitely hurts.
Part of it is small things like being sick of being cooped up in the house. Technically yeah, I can go out in public, however I haven’t had a real shower or washed my hair in a week, and I have these weird drains draining weird fluid out of my body. They can be hidden for the most part, but it just feels awkward.
I am starting to be frustrated with the things that I can’t do for myself. There aren’t a lot of things, but when you have to ask someone else to do things for you several times a day, it gets to be a little demoralizing. And Patrick has been amazing about everything. He hasn’t shown any frustration towards me even when I call him for the millionth time to help. He’s been very positive about the progress I’ve made.
I think I am also in actual grief in a way about what I have lost, and how no matter how well the reconstruction goes, it will never be the same. That is a really hard thing to accept when it has been the same for the most part for at least 20 years.
And then on top of all of those feelings comes the guilt for having them. There are so many people who have been helping in so many ways to make this as easy as possible for me. What in the world do I have to complain about? The actual surgery and removal of the cancer went even better than expected. What in the world do I have to complain about? So many people out there are fighting way harder battles than I am. What in the world do I have to complain about? And make no mistake, no one is making me feel this guilt but myself, I am fully aware of that.
I think that this part of it is a hurtful but absolutely necessary step in the healing process. I have to be able to come to terms with what has happened and what I have lost so that I can truly appreciate what is to come and what I will gain. So I am going to sit outside in the sun a while longer and let it wash over and out of me, so that I can completely heal from this mind, body, and soul.
