Man, these feelings keep coming in waves, up and down….
All day I’ve been in a pretty decent mood. Jaxon and I hid some Rachel’s Glorious Creations makes around the Downtown Carrollton area for people to find this morning, and it was so fun to imagine the smiles on faces as they were found.
My cro-jo (crochet mojo ) seems to be trying to come back, so I’ve been working on a unicorn in between watching shows, scrolling Tik Tok, straightening up the house, researching different breast cancer treatment methods and recovery times, etc…
I feel like I have mostly handled this situation pretty well. I mean really, what else is there to do? The cancer is there, it has to come out, so let’s just get on with it.
But sometimes, like tonight, I just get overwhelmed with emotion thinking about it. I mean, breast cancer is a super scary thing right? But the kind I have is not so scary, right? It is so much more contradictory than I could’ve imagined. This cancer is not yet life threatening, prognosis is excellent. However, it is going to take a pretty major surgery to treat it. Like, it isn’t that bad, but it’s that bad. I’m not sure if I am even making sense of it at this point… Maybe more like, it isn’t life threatening, but it is definitely life changing.
There are sooooooo many decisions that are going to have to be made, and so many things that will likely be left up to people who aren’t me, like the insurance company, the doctors, etc..
Best case scenario in my mind as of right now without any additional information from the doctor would be to get a double mastectomy with a Diep Flap Reconstruction. I know that they haven’t found anything in the left breast, but I just don’t want to run into this again later on down the road. And while mastectomy doesn’t 100% guarantee that breast cancer will not reoccur, it significantly drops that chance to about 6% for the first 5 years after. The Diep Flap procedure is pretty intensive, but seems to be the most natural reconstruction option. They can actually take tissue, fat, and blood vessels from my abdomen and reconstruct my breasts from it. From what I have read, if I was to do the implant option, they would have to be replaced every so many years requiring multiple surgeries throughout my life. With the Diep Flap procedure, because it would be my own biological material, and provided there aren’t any complications, there are only two surgeries needed; the initial reconstruction done at the same time as the mastectomies, and the touch up several months after once the swelling has gone down and it has healed up a good bit.
It is hard to think about because the implant option is not as intensive as the Diep Flap, therefore I would be back on my feet quicker, but it would also require a certain amount of maintenance for the rest of my life. The Diep Flap will seriously have me down and out for weeks after, but would be less maintenance and stress for the rest of my life.
It blows my mind to think that some microscopic non-invasive non-aggressive cancer has led to this big of a deal. It just always seemed that if someone had to go through mastectomies, it was because of life threatening cancer. The wool has definitely been pulled from over my eyes.
Sometimes I even feel somewhat guilty because there are ladies (and some men!) out there right now with serious, invasive, aggressive, life threatening, scary AF breast cancer and here I am whining about this decision about what treatment to get. Meanwhile, my life has not really even been in danger. It is just such a weird spot to be in. Most times I am just thinking, “Suck it up Rachel! It could be so much worse!”.
And I am sure that tomorrow it probably won’t feel quite as overwhelming as it does tonight. Like I said, it just keeps coming in waves.
And while reading this, please remember that posting about this is more about it being cathartic for me and sharing my experience with others who may be going through something similar. It is more that I am expressing my feelings, rather than wanting someone to help me fix them
I truly appreciate all the kind words and support that I have received so far over the course of this journey, more than any of you could ever know.